Let’s talk about Fear

Or, as it’s more commonly referred to, Anxiety. Now, I know what you’re thinking, Anxiety is so much more than just fear. And that’s true. But to me, at least, fear is an integral part of it, and more often than not what it boild down to.

So what’s making me Anxious, or afraid, as it were. Christmas mostly. Both because it’s inherently a very social event, and I don’t do well with those. This one in particular, because I can’t spend the time with family and friends, which they often feel like they’re owed this time of year, whether rightfully or not. Also, being pretty poor, I’ve never been able to buy people the gifts I really wanted to. I don’t care what they give me in return, I’d rather have a handwritten note, than a cheque.

But there’s more to it. I should possibly include a trigger warning here, because it get’s a bit dark. So if themes like death, mortality and fire trigger you, please skip this paragraph, or read at your own peril. We all have a moment when we’re confronted with our own mortality. For me, the experience came when I was 13. One of my best friends and his little sister, died in a fire caused by a forgotten christmas candle. I won’t go into details aboiut the event itself, but I was not ready for the shock of realising my mortality, nor was I – as an Aspy, although I did not know it at the time – equipped to handle the great unknown of “What happens after?”. It didn’t fit into any scheme, plan or structure I knew or know for that matter. So what does this mean today? Well, it means that not only do I have anxiety attacks when confronted with my own mortality, in the week up to christmas (sometimes more), I either lie awake all night, or wake up every hour or two, to ensure things aren’t on fire. I know WE don’t have any forgotten candles, but I live in an appartment, I can’t control nor know what the other tennants have. It’s not only a nightmare of fear, it is also really taxing to have a sleep schedule like that for an extended time.

If you like Christmas, I envy you. Not that I don’t like it per se, it’s just a very difficult time for me, and I wish it weren’t. It’s that simple really. I hope this hasn’t done anything to dampen YOUR christmas spirit, and if it has, I apologize. That really has not been my intention. I suppose I’m mostly trying to explain why you don’t see me singing Christmas songs, or putting up a forest of decorations. But I do enjoy that YOU do that. So you keep doing you, you magnificent bastards.

See you soon

-AA

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