It’s time to talk about guilt. This is a big one, as I’m sure most – if not in fact all – people with mental health issues, have dealt with to some extent. And it’s a weird thing too. Why do we feel guilty? We have not chosen these issues. More often than not, they have arrisen because of something that has either happened TO us, or because of genetics. Yet the feeling remains. What makes me feel guilty, you ask? Well strap in Ladies, Gentlemen and people who don’t fit traditional gender roles. Because I’m about to tell you.
Right now, it’s 5:17am here. I feel guilty that I can’t sleep (more about that in my previous post), because I’m supposed to be up at 7, to go to my job training.
I feel guilty because it’s christmas, and for another year, I cannot visit the people that deserve it, nor can I give people the gifts I want to give them, because unemployment doesn’t make you a millionaire (Nor should it).
I feel guilty because my own christmas spirit is lacking, and I feel like it drags down the people around me.
I feel guilty that I don’t keep in touch with people as much as I should, considering what they mean to me. And certainly not as much as they deserve.
I feel guilty that I’m at my most comfortable with my headset on at my PC, because it helps focus my attention and quiet my thoughts. It makes me seem cold and distant, but I’m not, I just can’t cope sometimes.
I feel guilty because whenever I go somewhere with people, there’s always a small part of me that wishes I could disintegrate them all, so their noises, their reactions, their… peopleness, would just go away.
I feel guilty because I never amounted to anything, when on paper, my IQ says that I should have.
I feel guilty that I have never felt worthy of someone being proud of me.
I feel guilty for having this illness that makes things hard, when they should be simple.
And I feel guilty that I can never get well, only better.
What can I do about all this? Honestly, I don’t know. At least not at the time of writing. But these are my problems, my feelings, and as such they deserve to be put into writing. They may be misguided, some of them even downright silly. But they’re real to me, at least in my head. And I feel guilty about that too.